Global Business Partnership Announces“Product WOKE!” Certification Program
(Ass. Press Exclusive)
In a marketing event worthy of an Apple Next Big Thing, the GBP announced the ‘Product WOKE!’ certification program to thousands in attendance. Noting consumer frustration at the lack of knowledge, say, of whether the sandwich they are standing in line for was made by a company owned by someone who once donated money to the George Bush campaign.
Aiahwaka Ebizer-MacDonough, Ph.D (Evergreen University), Executive Director of the Program spoke to an enthusiastic audience of party functionaries, business executives from around the globe, and media interests.
“Certification proudly and boldly informs our concerned consumers that the product and/or service they are considering investing in with their hard earned money is worthy of being purchased. No one involved with it in any way has a record of hate, privilege, or environmental damage. Also that they have not harmed an animal or ever fired a gun.”
“Being WOKE means you, your company, your family are actively attentive to racial and social justice issues, can be relied upon to take a stand and be active in challenging injustices and fighting against hatred, white privilege, Trump supporters, and people in flyover country who go to church or synagogue.”
The crowd oo-ed and awe-ed as the gigantic screen above the stage flickered in bold colors:
Said Ebizer-MacDonough, “As you can see, the logo is a globe of our planet, the continents painted in rainbow colors representing the LBGTQQ community. Soon, you will see it everywhere! “
“If the item, product, service, advertisement, bumper doesn’t have our logo on it, why bother buying it, and have to deal with all the white guilt of supporting hate? ALL of our vendors are certified to be both eco-sustainable and friendly, artisan, non cisgender, ‘of color’, neither trans- or homo- phobic. They are all tested to be LBGT??A friendly, and proud, supporting members of all national, state, and local branches of BLM, Antifa, and the Democratic Party.”
“While Nike, Apple, The Democrat National Committee, and the National Football League (NFL) are founding members of the the ‘Product WOKE! certification program, and, I am excited to announce, Amazon has informed us that everything sold in its on line stores must be “Certified Woke” by the next Chinese New Year.”
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